Disconnecting

A white sea urchin cast on a black sand beach, Hawai'i

I have faithfully been part of two Christian religions thus far in my life.  The first religion I was born into. The second I joined. Neither of them really helped me answer the questions I had about life, my purpose and all that. I should clarify...they have answers to the questions, just not very satisfying answers. I value the personal connections I have made.  I found strength in the associations.  After thirty years of active participation, I have recently disconnected from the second of these religions.  I have not formally resigned membership and may or may not pursue that option. But, I no longer attend, pray, sing, or worship with them or anyone else.  

I just reached a point where I could no longer reconcile myself to attend and partially believe and disbelieve that which didn't make sense to me. The 'one true religion' did not live up to the claim of the whole essential truth and nothing but the truth and that's even after granting the apologists a LOT of leeway.  I felt I needed to make a decision.  I spent a lot of time pondering the questions I had.  I couldn't continue just going through the motions while waiting for an answer.  It was a matter of personal integrity.  To continue to attend (even though there are aspects I value about the organisation and religion) was to present myself as a believer when I wasn't. I chose to disconnect.  I have chosen to move on with my own life seeking truth that brings me peace. I respect rights of others to believe as as they choose.

What I find intriguing is the mixture of responses from people when they learn about my new approach to religion. Some folks are really glad to hear that I am no longer associated with the religion and wonder why I didn't leave earlier. Some avoid the topic all together sort of a 'don't ask, don't tell' agreement. Some just listen to me because they want to genuinely understand who I am.   But there are those who know nothing of me, my spiritual struggle and desire who in the privacy of their homes and meetings have determined that I am a lost soul.   Of these, some will pray for me and hope that I will be guided back to the truth.  To others I am simply a burden because I am a lost sheep that needs to be gathered back in the fold.  I am more work for them to do.   They feel responsible for me.  It is because of these people that I feel I should formally resign my membership.  I don't want to be another person on their list of inactive/less active/wayward souls that means they have to do more work.    

I am also intrigued by my internal response to disconnecting.  I don't feel angry or betrayed. Maybe that's because I willingly joined the church when I was 12.  I wanted to believe that there was a God, that He loved me and would guide me through life.  I also believed that being a member of the church would help facilitate my relationship with God and help me live the life I ought to.  So the crux of my connection with the church was through a genuine desire for spiritual connection.  It is just another one of those relationships in my life that hasn't really worked out.  Nonetheless, my experience in the church has been influential in shaping the person I have become, just as much as my family of origin, friendships, culture, life experiences and own psyche have. So, in a way, I am grateful for what I learned.  

That said, disconnecting has been painful too.  There's a lot of letting go.  I haven't really found a way to nurture my spirituality yet.  I've tried meditating and communing with nature.  I haven't been very successful at either. This could be because I am just so tired when I try to meditate and commune that I doze off.  I get sleep but not spiritual insight.  So, I still need to work on that aspect as well.

There's also a lot of choices to be made.  Now that there isn't a rule book for me to follow, I get to decide for myself how I wish to conduct myself.  In reality I always did have this choice.  We all do.  But, the difference is there aren't any guidelines saying, 'doing this is good and will bring you closer to God' or 'do this and you are a sinner and will melt like the wicked witch of the west in the presence of God'.  So, at 43 years of age I began experimenting with my life.  I have to say though, I am not a terribly adventurous soul in that respect.  A night out still ends at about 11 p.m.

I am not sure how this aspect of my life will unfold.  I guess I'll have to see.  But, I do hope that God understands that all I really seek is to understand.